After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
