i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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