Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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