tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
