There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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