the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
