she was so not down for the gang bang
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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