i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
