1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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