Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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