I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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