I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
