dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day