his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.