you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
