on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
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Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
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