I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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