I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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