I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
