Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
