my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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