hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
