I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
