i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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