i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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