I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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