i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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