you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
