So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
