Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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