i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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