I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
