yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
