You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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