the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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