And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
