Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
