Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
