So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
