just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
