At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
