I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
What changed your mind?
Being sober
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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