My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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