By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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