The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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