how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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