Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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