Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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