I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
