I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
