i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize