I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
