she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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