So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Randomize
