ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
