Your face is a jimmy john
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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