I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
