my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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