I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
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He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
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Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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