so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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