you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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