So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
